The Life & Times Of Ron Weasley
by BitchSlap5000
Summary: Based on a dream I had, there is some crazy stuff in here :P


Ron Weasley sheepishly brushed his ginger hair away from his four head and grinned at Elissia, his robot maid. Elissia bleeped loudly as she bowled past on her little wheels, a dust pan and brush sticking out of her rear compartment. Ron hastily checked his pocket watch and rushed down to the castle doors. His family would be here soon for the big day, as would his best friend Harry and his new boyfriend. All Ron knew about this new fancy man of Harry's was that back in the day he was a very successful music legend.

There was a loud rapping at the door just as Ron skidded into the main foyer. He could see through the stained glass the numerous heads of flaming orange hair and some other various colours. It looked like a packet of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans and Ron was eager to get his hands on them. He wondered if she would be there. The reason this gathering was happening. He took a deep breath and was about to reach out for the door handle when Elissia bleeped past him, running over his left foot.

Ron cursed loudly as Elissia opened the door. Everyone stood stock still, staring at the mad ginger man hopping about on one leg shouting at the dirty tiled floor.

"Ronald!" Mrs Weasley screeched at him, flying in, her mad curls flailing out behind her. "You must stop this silly behaviour at once! What must she think of you!"

Mrs Weasley Blinked.

"She isn't here?" As she asked it somewhat doubtfully she looked at Elissia. "No Ronald. Tell me your not marrying…THAT!"

Everyone started laughing and one by one piled into the foyer. With the Weasley family, Harry and his new fancy man, the better halfs and the numerous children suddenly Ron's large castle in the country where he and Harry used to come to when they were young, back when it was merely a cottage, seemed much to small to accommodate such a large party of people, with one more still to come.

"No Mum," Ron said sullenly and then turned to the rest of his guests. His aw dropped when he saw the man that Harry was with. This was the seventy year old music legend Rod Stewart! Harry Potter was in a love tryst with Rod Stewart! "Holy Shrimp! Harry! Can I talk to you a minute?"

Harry sighed loudly and gave his red leather-effect man bag to Rod who held it in his arms just like he held his newborn son not long ago.

"Elissia! Can you lead the guests out into the garden please?" Ron said to the robot. She bleeped and took out her net, capturing everyone and dragging them into the garden as George screamed that Fred was still in the Ford Anglia.

Harry and Ron walked into the small corner of the foyer where a litt;e blue china vase was situated in an old umbrella stand made of a mountain troll's foot that Ron had salvaged from his old lover's house in Grimauld Place. He missed Sirius more than ever, but would never dream of telling Harry he once enoyed a night of heated romance with Padfoot.

"Harry! You brought Rod Stewart? To my wedding! What if his wife turns up! This could ruin everything!" Ron hissed acidly.

"It isn't his wife you need to worry about,£ Harry said mysteriously.

"And what the fluffy is that supposed to mean?" Ron demanded.

"Oh, well…nothing."

"Good. Now if you don't mind I need to go out to the car and get Fred!" Ron said and quickly exited the castle, down the flagstone steps towards the beat up blue ford parked in the gravel. He could see right away that his brother was sitting in the back seat, stretched out, looking just like he had done all those years ago when Hogwarts was still a school and not a high class gay bar and hotel. The place went to the dogs after Harry bought it from the Ministry of Magic.

Ron opened the back door and pulled out Fred. Ron hated seeing his brother like this, the flies had stopped bussing around him now that his mother was kind enough to install and air-freshener in some strategic places.

Ron dragged Fred up the steps, his skull pounding off the flagstone and making squealing across the tiled floor in the foyer. Out into the large back garden they went and the site that met their eyes was an awful one. Ron dropped Fred and sprinted out to the buffet table, most of the food was on the grass and Rod and Harry were on top of the table. No-one else seemed to notice, except Ginny and her twelve children, who were staring in disgust as Rod foisted his meaty parts at Harry.

"ROD!" Ron screamed and flung himself at the pair. Now everyone had their full attention on the three men on the buffet table.

"Ron…" Harry moaned trying to push him away "Look, Rod's getting old, he only has a few good thrusts in him before he has to take a nap!"

Suddenly there was a loud bleeping from behind. Ron froze. He knew what that meant. His future wife was here.

"Cue the music Elissia!" he shouted and scrambled off of Rod's back.

Elissia, true to her word suddenly morphed into a large pair of speakers and pumped out a club land version of the popular song: Love Story, by teenage country fan Taylor Swift. She was a drug addled harlett and that was why Ron loved her, nothing said true love quite like dancing to a raunchy country song jazzed up by the city slickers.

"Who is this woman Ron?" George asked, he was keen on any love story after choosing the life of celibacy and he became a nun.

Ron racked his brains. He truly didn't know. He met her on Omeagle and she had only said one thing about herself.

"I don't know. I'm marrying someone with Chlamydia."

Mrs Weasley looked stricken as a blonde girl with a really big arse and non-existant breats walked into the garden. She had idiotic shiny trousers on and a t-shirt with reveared peadophile Michael Jackson on the front.

"Has she just shat herself?" George whispered as Ron saw his new wife for the first time.

"I don't know. But what the hell happened to the woman of my dreams? She looks nothing like the photo she sent me! She sent me this!" Ron declared and pulled out a picture of Pamela Anderson in her Baywatch costume.

"Nice one," Mr Weasley drooled

"Hello!" this weirdo said in a husky voice that sounded a lot like education officer Ruth Kelly. That man whore was a trannie!

"What the hell are you?" Ginny asked.

"My name is Ashley. And I am a desendent of my fathers cousin. I am an inbreed…like you Ron! Now, lets go make some web-footed babies!" she said and flung herself onto Ron.

Now this was an offer Ron wanted to refuse, but didn't feel he could. Mrs Weasley sprung into action. She let out a powerful roar and pulled off all her clothes, leaving nothing but her undies and a very very hairy body. Her back was like an afro! Her skin turned green and she flung herself at this Michael Jackson loving freak, pulling her off of Ron and eating her whole as everyone else watched in fear, horror and disgust.

Elissia was playing Love Story on a loop when Ron slowly sat up.

"Change the record," he said quietly, his wedding a disastor. Elissia put on the 80s classic I Touch Myself. How very ironic it was.

"I love this song!" Rod shouted and began dancing, using Harry as a pole and doing some crazy stuff that should never be done in public.

"Rod!" came a scream from the door. Everyone looked round and saw a naked Dumbledore standing, his long silver beard wrapped round himself in the motif of a nappy. "I love you! I always have!"

A collective gasp echoed around the little castle in the country as Dumbledore pushed Harry out of the way and kissed Rod passionately on the grass.

Suddenly George broke free of the stunned silence and looked around.

"Are we not supposed to be having a FIESTA!" he shouted and waved his arms in the air when he received a swift backhander from Mrs Weasley, still in her bra and pants.

"You are not Puss in Boots!" she said

"About ten minutes ago I would have bet that you weren't the Hulk but we all have secrets! Puss in Boots is ginger is he not?" George said coyly and rubbed his sore cheek.

"Come on people!"

Elissia changed the song to Living La Vida Loca and George pulled a microphone from her rear and began singing, the musical talents of Mushu Giles joining in.

They partied on for forty days and forty nights, every one of them drinking until they forgot their own names. Still it was not enough for Ron. He felt betrayed and felt he could never love again. Harry sidled up to him as everyone was going home.

"Brings back memories doesn't it?" he said and played with Ron's hair.

"Yeah…."

"Want a little country fun?" Harry asked. Ron looked up and knew that the person he loved was in his life the whole time. Harry was Ron's one true love and nothing could change that.

After a steamy session the pair migrated to Vegas where they got married and became Elvis Impersonators.

The End.


End file.
